For the Motherless and Childless on Mother’s Day
Most of us love a day of acknowledgement and celebration—there are so many benefits to both expressing and receiving love and appreciation. But what about when it’s hard to jump on the celebration train? I want to speak to the ones who can’t get too excited about Mother’s Day for a moment.
There are a lot of reasons you may find Mother’s Day to be difficult. Perhaps your mom is a challenging person to be in a relationship with—maybe she is a source of pain and hurt, or maybe she doesn’t embody the role of “mother” in the ways you would’ve hoped. This can be a disappointing reality to acknowledge, and Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of that. Perhaps your mom is gone, and this day is actually more about grief and sadness than celebration—it may be hard to see others getting to be with their moms and enjoy time spent together, while you’re swimming in a sea of big emotions. Or maybe you desire to be a mom yourself, but for whatever reason, that has not been possible—perhaps this day is hard because it pours salt on the wound of a deep, unmet longing that you can’t control.
Whatever the reason, if you’re reading this and something is resonating, I invite you to pause and simply acknowledge your own experience. Turn towards your pain, anger, grief, yearning (or whatever else is coming up for you), name it and be with it for a moment—instead of doing what we might normally do, which is to minimize it, distract from it, or ignore it. If it feels okay, you could close your eyes and place your hand on your heart. In your head, or out loud, you could say something like, “This is hard for me. I’m feeling ______, and it makes sense that I feel this way based on my experience.”
Your experience with your mom or motherhood is unique to you, of course, but your unique experience also unites you with people around the world. Pain and suffering are, unfortunately, a part of being human, and everyone experiences them. I don’t say this to minimize or invalidate your unique pain—but rather to remind you that you are not alone. It’s not abnormal to feel as you are feeling—there are many who feel similar, or the exact same way. See if you can take a moment to pause again, close your eyes, and connect with the fact that you are not alone in how you’re feeling or coping. Who comes to mind as you reflect on the universal nature of suffering?
Lastly, I invite you to think about what you might say to a friend who is going through the exact same thing. How would you respond to their pain? …Can you offer those same words to yourself right now? Think about what you might need to hear in this moment, and see if you can give yourself permission to take those words in and hold them in your mind as you go about the rest of your day.
Hopefully that process leaves you feeling a little more aware of your emotions around Mother’s Day, a little more connected to yourself and others, and able to extend some compassion toward yourself as you navigate this day. Some other suggestions I’ll leave you with, that you can feel free to take or leave are:
Stay off of social media for a day or two this weekend.
Connect with a friend or family member who also finds this day difficult.
If your mom has passed or is not available to you, write her a letter expressing your thoughts and feelings, knowing that you can be as honest as you’d like.
Moms don’t have to be related to us to serve a motherly role. Perhaps there’s someone who has taken the shape of a mom in your life that you want to extend appreciation to.
Wherever you’re at, I hope you’ll listen to yourself and what you might need heading into Mother’s Day, holding yourself with love and care, just as a good mother would.
