Recovering from Disappointment

SO THE HOLIDAY SEASON JUST HAPPENED……

There’s plenty of anticipation prior to the holidays and we can build it up in our imagination to be something great!  This may be especially true after the last few hard years of living in a pandemic and not being able to celebrate the holidays as we might choose.  If you were anything like our team, you had some pretty big hopes and dreams for what Christmas 2021 would look like.  Connecting with family and friends, having a better atmosphere than Christmas 2020, and visions of sugar plums danced in your head.

For a variety of reasons, things may not have gone as you hoped.  Old family dynamics may have persisted despite your highest hopes and efforts.  There may have been issues/delays while travelling, a lack of ease from not being in your own home if you were visiting and divisive political or vaccine issues may have made many conversations uncomfortable. The wear and tear of COVID and isolation may have negatively affected you or others  in unexpected ways .  These kinds of issues may have colluded so that the holidays weren’t nearly as great as we anticipated. 

Disappointment manifests when our hopes and expectations are not met.   It doesn’t feel good when things don’t go as we envisioned and the passage of time doesn’t always make a difference.  And now here you are at the end of January, wondering why you haven’t been able to get rid of those lingering feelings of disappointment.  

So how can you manage that disappointment?  

REFLECT

Many of us try to distract ourselves from difficult holiday memories.  You may find that you are watching more TV, scrolling on your phone, or busying yourself with work/chores to keep the memories and disappointment at bay.  Distraction may work in the short term by allowing you a break from your thoughts and feelings about the holidays but it’s not necessarily constructive.  Trying to avoid thinking about what happened won’t help you understand your disappointment or allow you to feel better over time.    In addition, there are times when you can’t maintain being distracted, like when you are trying to fall asleep.  And it can be hard to keep difficult thoughts from intruding.  

I’d like to suggest that it may be better to ensure you have some space and time dedicated to reflecting on what you had hoped the holidays would be like and what actually happened.  It may be helpful to write about what occurred, talk with a friend about it, or reach out to a counsellor to understand why the disappointment has been so deep.   Attending to the experience in this way is the opposite of distraction and can bring some much needed clarity.  It can also be the beginning of managing your disappointment, understanding how you would like things to be different, and making changes so that Christmas 2022 is different.  

ACCEPT YOUR FEELINGS

As you acknowledge what happened over the holidays, pay attention to how you feel about it. For some it can be tempting to dismiss or minimize feelings.  Others may think they’re being too sensitive or even “crazy” for feeling as they do. However, negating your feelings does not actually change how you feel and can make things worse.  Rejecting, judging and negating your feelings can affect your self-worth, may leave you feeling isolated and can result in self-criticism.  Imagine what a difference it could make if you knew you were entitled to your feelings?

Whatever you feel is valid so try to accept those feelings without judgement.  To deepen your understanding, you might ask  “why do I feel this way?”.  Connecting what occurred with how you feel can help you accept your feelings at face value and use that knowledge to help you speak up for yourself in the future.

If there are some specific events that stand out or that you keep replaying over and over, ask “What does this incident mean to me?”.  Understanding the meaning you ascribe to experiences can help you accept the feelings you are left with and start to move past it.  

Let’s try working this through with an example.  Imagine you were excited to spend the holidays with your sister and when you return home instead of feeling happy about the time together you feel disappointment.  After you got home and had some time for reflection, you acknowledged that the two of you argued a lot and you’re sad about it.  You love your sister and you missed her.  You fear that your sister may not know how important she is to you and you may have robbed yourselves of making some great memories.  Acknowledging and accepting how you feel and why are important steps in managing disappointment.  

RESILIENCE

It can also be really important to remind yourself that you can handle what happened and get past it. Recalling times you’ve worked through disappointment in the past or even acknowledging that this is your goal can help.  Reassuring yourself of your capacity for resilience can ultimately keep you from staying stuck in disappointment.  

Ensuring that you make time to reflect on what happened and how you feel (instead of distracting yourself) are important first steps to begin to deal with holidays that didn’t meet your expectations.  By accepting how you feel, understanding why you feel as you do and the meaning it has for you, you can begin to accept not only what occurred but  how you feel about it and why.  Connecting what happened during the holidays with your feelings can bring insight and awareness about what works and doesn’t work for you. 

Finally, don’t forget just how resilient you can be even in the face of disappointment.  Such resilience can include the resolve to apply your newfound awareness to ensure you do things differently in the coming holiday season and reduce future disappointment.   Some holiday experiences can be harder to deal with than others so if you are finding it difficult to manage post-holiday season disappointment on your own, please reach out to one of us at Panorama Wellness group as talking to a therapist can help!