Grieving During the Holiday Season

The holiday season is often portrayed as a happy time of celebration, connection, and gratitude.  However, like most celebrations, it can be a complex experience for many people, especially if you have experienced loss.  While a loss can encompass the death or absence of important people, pets, and relationships in your life, the experience of grief can also be connected to a loss of tradition, closeness, or an imagined future you hold for yourself and others.  Holiday grief feels more real and present this year as many of us have been rocked by natural disaster, distance, and the ongoing collective trauma of the pandemic.

Grieving over the holiday season can be experienced when you lose, or feel you have lost...

• Parts of your daily life, routine, and structure (e.g. security and predictability)

• Connections or relationships with friends, colleagues, family, pets

• Your sources of joy or activities

• Your way of life

• Financial security

• Your job

• The future you imagined for yourself

• The future you imagined for your children, friends, etc.

• Time

• A sense of meaning, purpose, or connection

• Your sense of self

The majority of people I speak with, in and outside of counselling, have experienced at least one of these types of losses over the past year or two.

While it’s true that life continues to go on whether you grieve these losses or not, the grief process helps you to contextualize your struggles and cope through them. When you connect your fatigue, waves of sadness, mood swings, and other symptoms to the pain of loss, you are able to find some sort of explanation.  When you’re able to identify what it is you’re going through, you are better equipped to find patience for yourself and seek effective support. 

There is also the strange tension between what often feels expected of us this time of year and how you might feel inside.  Whether you celebrate Diwali, Hanukkah, Christmas, or any other cultural celebration, you’re generally asked to be social, excitable, and generous with both time and energy.  In contrast, the days are shorter (especially here in Canada!) which contributes to fatigue and often low mood. Add to that the fact that you’re likely worn out from the first eleven months of the year, and the weight of expectations and obligations in December can feel especially heavy.  Finally, with the burnout and uncertainty surrounding pandemic holidays, it can all feel like too much to bear.  Compared to the animal kingdom, where creatures generally seek more rest and less activity, humans seem to push and push to be bright and energetic at the darkest time of the year.

As best you can this year, I invite you to shift your approach to the holidays to prioritize the things that you can do to protect your time, energy, and resources.  Here are a few ideas to try:

Give yourself extra time: for rest, for unstructured activity, and for play.

 Take the time you think you need, then add 50%.  We often underestimate how much rest we need, especially when our nervous system is taxed by urgency, anxiety, and uncertainty.  Ensuring you don’t over-plan and micromanage your schedule can create greater ease and flexibility to meet your needs and respect your capacity each day. Finally, play allows you to tap into your creativity and can help you to process big emotions like grief and experience relief from your worries, even if only for a short time.

Find one thing each day that you can do to find joy, contentment, or relief. 

Setting aside at least 5 minutes per day every day for something that is pleasurable--or at the very least, neutral--can make a world of difference to your mental health. Some activities I often suggest are doing breathing exercises, making yourself a cup of tea and savouring it, calling a friend, or watching an episode of your favourite TV show.  Reminding yourself that you can experience joy and relief is not just pleasurable in and of itself; it can also reduce your stress and shift your outlook on the rest of your day.  Be sure not to multitask during this dedicated time for best results!

Create new routines or traditions. 

Comparing this year to years gone by can be painful.  It may be that you’re completely unable to stick to important traditions or activities.  Creating something new can eliminate this painful comparison, and give you something to look forward to--especially if it creates greater ease.  So maybe this year you’ll paint a Christmas bird house, or order takeout on December 26, or send handwritten notes instead of emails to your closest friends.  Perhaps you’ll try a new recipe, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or redecorate a room in your home.  

Be mindful of what you consume. 

Ensuring that you take care of your physical health by nourishing your body and drinking water on a consistent basis can make a big difference in how you feel from day to day.  You might feel drawn to indulge on occasion, however doing so with intentionality can help you find more enjoyment and a better sense of connection to your body.  Our holistic nutritionist Christy is a great resource for more information on this, so be on the lookout for blogs and posts from her this holiday season!

In addition, watching what we consume in terms of information, conversation, and screen time can impact our overall well being.  If you’re already feeling overwhelmed, try reducing or setting boundaries around your screen time and interactions with people who drain your energy. Noticing what takes away from our energy and what replenishes it is an important part of looking after ourselves, especially when we’re struggling to cope.

There’s no “right” way to grieve.  Your grief may be big or small, different or familiar, ever-present or intermittent. While you know best what might help you this holiday season, I hope these strategies help.  

At Panorama Wellness Group, our wellness team can help support you in this challenging season.  Our clinicians offer free consultations if you’re interested in seeing if our services are right for you.  Plus, as a team, we’re able to offer counselling, occupational therapy, and holistic nutrition support collaboratively.  We are a place where healing comes together. 

If you feel you are in need of more immediate support, you can always call 310-6789 any time, any day of the year.