Is anger a bad emotion?
I’m often asked some variation of the question, “how do I stop being so angry?” Usually, my follow up questions involve clarifying why someone wants to stop feeling angry, and a typical response is some sort of judgement or moralization of this feeling. The sense that anger is a bad emotion, dangerous, harmful, or morally wrong seems to come up for a lot of people.
Everyone feels anger at some point - but the way we experience, express, and respond to anger may vary between people, cultures, communities, and situations. For instance, many women describe being told that their anger was unacceptable, or were dismissed or made fun of for their emotion while men in their lives were praised for the same emotion. In some households, children experienced anger as an emotion that only adults were allowed to feel, and that it was the child’s job to keep their emotions to themselves to keep the peace. Whatever your experiences with anger have been up until this point, I urge you to be curious and open to how these experiences may have shaped your impressions and expressions of anger.
A phrase that sticks with me about anger is that there is a difference between feeling anger and doing anger.
We can feel anger within ourselves frequently and be healthy, social, and functioning individuals; however, how we express or act out our anger can hurt people. At one end of the spectrum are the extreme outbursts of anger, with yelling, slamming doors, punching walls, and violence. Externalizing anger like this may briefly feel like relief, but often comes with significant consequences and remorse. In contrast, extreme internalizing of anger can result in social withdrawal, reduced confidence, and a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Rather than categorically saying all anger is harmful, it’s important to recognize what behaviours associated with anger are helpful or unhelpful in building the life and relationships we want to have.
Anger itself is not a bad emotion. In fact, it can be incredibly helpful and adaptive! Anger is an emotion that mobilizes us. It gets us fired up, motivated, and moving towards righting wrongs, pursuing justice, and setting boundaries to keep ourselves and others safe. Anger is often an emotion that comes up when we’re experiencing a more vulnerable emotion--think sadness, grief, anxiety, hopelessness--but don’t have the space, time, or capacity to feel it. We can feel anger and keep going with whatever we’re going through in the short term, which helps us to push through when it feels impossible.
But, anger can be very uncomfortable--and over the long term, be detrimental to our health. A few common symptoms of chronic stress and anger include sleep difficulties, high blood pressure, muscle aches and tension, stomach pain, digestive disruption, and volatile relationships.
If you notice that your anger or stress is starting to impact your health and relationships, I encourage you to seek out counselling support to help you find new tools and identify solutions for working with anger. In counselling, usually the first step is identifying that you're angry and where that anger comes from. Therapy is a place where you can detail what’s making you mad, and perhaps get a new perspective on all that you’re coping with. You can learn strategies for regulating your anger--much more helpful tools than just, “take a deep breath!”--and learn how to care for yourself better in the process.
If you’d like to learn more about working with anger in counselling, I’d love to hear from you! At Panorama Wellness Group, we offer free consultations for you to see if one of our counsellors would be a good fit for you.
Serena is a clinical counsellor who has dedicated her career to supporting those with anxiety and injury to create for themselves a full and meaningful life. She has specialized knowledge and experience supporting those who have suffered a concussion or mild traumatic brain injury, helping them to get back to work, school, and sport. Serena works collaboratively using cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) tools to support clients through intense experiences and emotions and help them move towards their valued goals.
