5 Ways to Help Your Relationship during COVID-19

The year 2020 has brought many different challenges and rewards to each of our houses.  When it first started, I remember seeing a bunch of posts from introverts saying something like “I’ve been training for this all my life”.  I don’t see those so much any more!

There has been a range of appreciation or disgust with the circumstances we find ourselves in as we discover what it’s like to spend SO MUCH TIME with the people we love and have created a home and family with.

For some of you, this has been a time of great pleasure.  You are strongly connected to the people in your home, and have a really good time together, thoroughly enjoying each other’s presence.  There are times when you don’t get along, but you’re able to work through it and move on.

For others of you this has been a really difficult time.  Being in the same house and bubble with your partner has highlighted the ways that you don’t get along or are different.  It can be frustrating and discouraging.  One article in the Toronto Sun stated they expected divorce rates to rise by 38% over the average.  And that was written in June.

As a counsellor this has been hard to watch.  I know that these couples already had difficulties before COVID started, but what about you and your relationship?  Maybe you were getting along okay before this pandemic began, and now that you’ve spent nine months basically sequestered with your partner you’re starting to see cracks.  How can you help your relationship survive this stressful period of time?

Here are five ways that I’d like to suggest you can begin to connect and protect your relationship as we navigate however long our social restrictions are in place.

Spend less time together

I can see you laughing at me.  You are both working from home.  Your province has issued more restrictions because of the rise in cases and here Lisa’s telling you to spend less time together.  Click to the next article.  But wait!  Hear me out.   

Pre-COVID days you likely both went to work each day, conversed with other people, did your work, commuted home, and then had time to connect with your spouse.  How can you find ways to create some semblance of that former normalcy?

a.     Get dressed for work in the morning, have your breakfast together, and then go to work.  In separate rooms.  Your place may be small and this may be difficult to navigate, but just having that amount of distance and privacy can help provide some sort of independence.

b.     Stagger your lunch hours so you’re not eating together every day.  Again this points to the idea that you’re not spending every hour of every day in each other’s presence.  If you don’t have the chance to talk at lunch, then you’ll have more to talk about after work is done.

c.     If you would normally have a commute to or from work, maybe go take a walk around the block before you start and/or after you’re done work.  Find a way to be alone and close down your work day before you are present with your partner.

Spend purposeful time together

So yes, I just suggested your spend less time together, and now I’m apparently contradicting myself and suggesting you spend time together.  But this is different.  This isn’t “let’s talk about how to get shit done” time together.  This is being purposeful about a date, or a specific time of day when you are connecting with each other.  Being purposeful about this time could include the following:

a.     Get out of the house for a date once a week.  I know it’s hard or next to impossible to get a sitter right now, so maybe this is a time when you walk the dog together.  Leave the kids at home, or stick them in the stroller, and tell each other…this is a time to connect…let’s talk about something different.

b.     Have dinner after the kids have gone to bed.  Order in, or save your dinner in the oven so that you can have uninterrupted time together.

c.     Use the Gottman Card Deck app instead of watching TV together, and ask each other questions you haven’t asked in a long time.

Show appreciation and gratitude to your partner daily

Being purposeful about thanking your spouse for things they’re doing to make your life easier during the coronavirus can help you both stay positive.  It can be hard work, but when you are focusing on the positives in your relationship it helps you personally think more positively, and helps your partner feel connected to you.  “Thanks for taking the garbage out…I hate doing that job.”  “I appreciate how you handled that argument between the kids…I didn’t have the space to do that right then.”

Find new ways of connecting with each other

Before the virus hit, you probably had a routine down.  Say good morning when you wake up, kiss before you head out to work, text during the day, hug and kiss when you got home from work, help each other make dinner, get the kids to bed, watch some TV, and have sex a couple of times a week.  If those things worked for you, how can you keep them going?  Or what are some new ways that you can connect with each other?  Maybe it’s sitting at the table a bit longer after the kids run off, and asking each other specific questions each night – what was your highlight, what did you struggle with today, how can I support you better tomorrow?

Get out of the house and discover new neighbourhoods or shops

When you think of self-isolation or social restrictions, you may be thinking about all of the ways you can’t get out of the house.  Try thinking outside the box a little bit more than you normally would at this time of year.  Luckily in BC we are still able to get out to restaurants and places of business.  Set up a date to go check out shops like The Passionate Home, get some great pizza at Emilio Finatti Pizza, or go explore different Christmas light displays with Starbucks and popcorn. 

Being at home with the same people can start to feel mundane and take its toll on your intimate relationship.  I hope that this article has helped you think of ways that you can help your relationship survive this pandemic and maybe even start to thrive and be all that you’re wanting it to be.  Dr. Henry keeps telling us to be kind, be calm and be safe.  What if you were to apply that to your marriage as well?

Lisa Catallo is a Clinical Counsellor and owner of Panorama Wellness Group, a new health and wellness group located in the heart of Murrayville in Langley, BC.  We have a great group of counsellors and an occupational therapist (looking to add RMT and acupuncture soon) who are here to help you navigate the struggles that you are facing and help you to find a way to reach your goals for your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.