When I Didn't Know Myself Anymore
There was a point a few years ago when I felt like I didn't know myself anymore. My whole life had been about giving to others, and I'd always found so much meaning in that. Then, without being able to say exactly when it started, I began to resent little things that used to mean so much to me.
My teenager would ask me to get something for her, and instead of the easy yes I'd always given, I'd feel a flash of irritation. My grandchildren would need care on a day when I was already tired, and I'd say yes while something in me was quietly saying no. Some of it was wondering why nobody seemed to give back to me. Some of it was just being tired.
What surprised me most was noticing that I'd tell people I was okay with doing something when I actually wasn't. I teach boundaries on a daily basis…what the heck was I doing?? And top top it off, I'm not sure how long I'd been doing that... I just couldn't see it until my patience got shorter.
So was it perimenopause, or was I finally done people-pleasing? For me, it was a mix of both. I hear some version of this question from so many women in session, and I want to share what I've learned about how these two things work together.
What Perimenopause Does to Your Patience
Perimenopause is the stretch of years before your periods stop for good, when estrogen and progesterone start to rise and fall unpredictably. For many women it begins in their 40s, and it can last several years.
Most of us were told to expect hot flashes. I know that was the main symptom I’d heard about. But I never really got that one.
Far fewer of us were told about the irritability, the exhaustion, and the feeling of being stretched thin. A large global study published earlier this year in the journal Menopause, led by researchers at Mayo Clinic, surveyed more than 17,000 people in 158 countries. Among participants over 35, 80% reported irritability and 77% reported low mood, and 95% of those who said they were in perimenopause reported exhaustion. Those numbers line up with what I experienced and with what I hear from clients every week.
Neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Upgrade, describes how the hormones of our reproductive years shaped how much energy we put into getting along with others. As those hormones shift, she explains, "Our hormones are no longer driving us to please others." For a lifelong people-pleaser, that change can feel disorienting... like the ground you've always stood on has started to move.
That's why I don't find it helpful to brush off what you're feeling as "just hormones." Hormones are a big part of the picture, and they deserve medical attention. In my experience, though, they rarely create feelings out of nothing. More often, they turn down our ability to keep pushing those feelings aside.
The People-Pleasing Pattern Underneath
For many of the women I work with, people-pleasing started long before perimenopause. It often begins in childhood as a way to stay connected, keep the peace or feel safe, and it works for a long time. Being the one who says yes and notices what everyone else needs can become such a big part of who you are that it's hard to tell where the role ends and you begin.
The trouble is that a yes that isn't authentic comes with a cost. To everyone involved. When I said yes to things I wasn't okay with, I was doing it to keep others happy, and then I'd resent the investment I'd made. That resentment was a sign that I'd been giving from an empty place for a long time, and it had nothing to do with how much I love my family.
When your patience runs short, it gets much harder to cover the gap between what you say and what you feel. That's why so many of the women I work with describe perimenopause as the season when everything they'd been tolerating suddenly feels intolerable. The pattern was there all along. Perimenopause just made it harder to ignore.
Next week on the blog, we'll look more closely at why so many of us feel responsible for everyone else's happiness, and what it can look like to take care of yourself while still caring for the people you love.
Both Are Real
I don't think you have to choose between "it's my hormones" and "it's me." Both can be true at the same time, and both deserve care.
The hormonal side is worth bringing to your doctor or a menopause-informed healthcare provider, especially if your sleep, mood or energy has changed in ways that are affecting your daily life. Some women find that addressing their symptoms gives them more capacity to handle everything else, and that matters.
The pattern side is where counselling can help. Even when your hormones settle, the habit of saying yes when you mean no doesn't usually change on its own. It needs some gentle attention so that you can understand where it came from and start practicing something different.
A few questions I often invite women to sit with:
When I say yes, is it because I want to, or because I'm worried about what will happen if I don't?
What would I need in order to give freely again, without resentment?
Who in my life could handle hearing a more honest answer from me?
Do I know what I’m trying to protect when that irritation shows up? How can I do that and respect everyone involved?
Changing this pattern doesn't mean blowing up your relationships or suddenly saying no to everyone. It usually happens through small things often... an honest "not today, but Thursday works," or a pause before you answer so that you can check in with yourself first. Saying yes to keep others happy and then resenting it isn't good for anyone, including the people you're trying to care for.
How Counselling Can Help
In counselling, we make space to look at both sides of what you're experiencing, what your body is going through right now and the patterns you've carried for much longer. Together we can sort out which reactions are asking for rest and medical support, and which ones are pointing to an old way of relating that isn't working for you anymore.
I work with women in this stage of life every week, and so does our team at Panorama Wellness. Our counsellors support women navigating perimenopause, people-pleasing, burnout and the relationship strain that can come with them, both in person in Surrey and online throughout BC. If the changes you're going through are affecting your marriage too, we also offer couples counselling so that you and your partner can find your way through this season together.
If any of this sounds familiar, you don't have to figure it out on your own. You can book a free consultation with our team so that you can ask questions, get a feel for how we work and find the counsellor who's the right fit for you.
