Menopause, Midlife, and Relationships: When You Start Wondering “Is This Working for Me Anymore?”

There’s a moment in midlife when something inside shifts. The small things that used to get under your skin? Now they feel like big things. The endless “being the one who remembers everything” job you’ve been doing for decades? You’re officially done.

For many women, menopause arrives with an energy I like to call the “I don’t give a sht anymore”* phase. It’s not about becoming careless — it’s about finally getting clear on what matters, and what doesn’t deserve your mental load anymore. If you’ve spent decades taking care of everyone else, you might be looking around thinking, When is someone going to take care of me?

If you’re a woman in Surrey navigating this stage, you might also be asking harder questions about your closest relationships — your partner, your friends, even your family. Questions like:

• Is this relationship meeting my needs anymore?

• Do I even know what I need?

• Am I missing something here, or am I just different now?

Before you decide to leave, pull away, or “Marie Kondo” your social circle, it’s worth pausing to explore what’s really going on.

Why Menopause Brings Relationship Questions to the Surface

Menopause isn’t just about hot flashes and hormone changes (though those are real enough). It’s also a natural life stage where priorities shift — sometimes dramatically.

By this point, many of us have been the dependable one, the caregiver, the peacekeeper, the organizer of all things. We’ve carried the emotional and practical load for partners, children, extended family, workplaces, and communities. That’s a lot of giving.

The trouble is, when you’ve been so good at caring for everyone else, you often forget — or never learned — how to identify what you need and how to ask for it. And here’s the kicker: people can’t read your mind.

I often hear women in this stage say they’re tempted to scrap a relationship because “it’s not working anymore.” But sometimes, it’s not that the relationship is broken — it’s that what you need from it has changed, and you haven’t yet named it.

Before You Decide to Leave, Get Clear on What’s Missing

In my other blog, "Should I Leave My Husband?", I talk about the importance of clarity before making big decisions. That applies just as much here.

Instead of going straight to “I’m done,” try asking yourself:

• When was the last time I felt fulfilled in this relationship?

• What was happening then? Were you both in a different life stage? Was your partner more available? Were you more connected to your own hobbies, friends, or sense of purpose?

• What’s actually missing now? Is it fun? Affection? Partnership? A feeling of being wanted?

Resentment can be a big clue. If you notice yourself silently fuming because you’re always the one to initiate plans, or your partner never plans a date without being prompted, or your friends never seem to call first — that’s information. It points to a need that’s going unmet.

Sometimes the dissatisfaction is more about life than the relationship. If your kids are grown and no longer need you the same way, your job feels stale, or you’re missing the social network you once had, those feelings can easily get projected onto the people closest to you.

3 Ways to Start Understanding What You Need

1. Notice What’s Not Working

This doesn’t mean keeping a scorecard of every misstep, but do start paying attention to what’s leaving you irritated, hurt, or drained. Jot these moments down over a couple of weeks. Patterns will emerge — maybe you’re feeling ignored, maybe you’re always the giver, maybe your efforts aren’t matched.

2. Identify What You’re Missing

Once you have a sense of the friction points, dig into what’s underneath. If you’re upset your partner never plans dates, is it about the date itself — or is it about wanting to feel pursued and valued? If your friends never reach out, is it about wanting connection and to feel important to them?

This step requires a bit of self-honesty. Sometimes what we’re missing is less about someone else failing us, and more about us having lost touch with parts of ourselves that brought us joy.

3. Learn to Ask for It Clearly

This is the hard part for many women, especially if you’ve been in “caretaker mode” for decades. But here’s the thing: people aren’t mind readers. They may have no idea you’re feeling neglected, unappreciated, or lonely.

Try using direct, non-blaming language:

• “I miss feeling close to you. Could we set aside time just for us once a week?”

• “I’d love it if we could take turns planning date nights.”

• “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately — could we make a plan to spend more time together?”

If this feels daunting, working with a therapist here in Surrey can help you practise communication skills and navigate these conversations with less stress.

If It’s Not Just About the Relationship

It’s worth pausing to ask: Is my dissatisfaction really about this person, or is it about a bigger shift in my life?

Midlife can mean your role as a parent changes, your career evolves, your body feels different, and your priorities get rewritten. You may be grieving your younger self or a season of life that’s over. That grief can make it tempting to overhaul your relationships — but sometimes what’s really needed is a reconnection with yourself.

Ask yourself:

• Who was I before all the caregiving?

• What lit me up back then?

• What parts of me have I been missing — and how can I bring them back?

If you’ve been hanging out on Instagram, you might have seen the “We Do Not Care Club” — a playful reminder that in midlife, you get to stop worrying about things that don’t matter to you anymore. But here’s the important part: deciding what does matter and making sure your relationships reflect that.

The Bottom Line

Menopause has a way of making you take stock — of your health, your priorities, and yes, your relationships. Questioning whether a relationship is still working doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re paying attention to what you need now.

Sometimes that clarity leads to renewal and reconnection. Sometimes it leads to letting go. But either way, you deserve to move forward with confidence, not confusion.

If you’re in Surrey and finding yourself in this season of change — wondering what you need, how to ask for it, or whether your relationships can grow with you — the counsellors at Panorama Wellness are here to help.

You don’t have to figure it out alone. Let’s talk.