When Loved Ones Don’t use Your Correct Pronouns
“How do I convince people to accept my gender identity and use my pronouns?”
I guarantee that every gender diverse person has asked this question. Heck, I’ve spent countless sleepless nights asking this question as a queer, non-binary person myself!
The black and white answer is… you can’t.
But wait a second! Life and relationships are never black and white, but instead a massive cloud of grey full of context and meaning that is unique to each of us. So, let’s explore the grey!
There's a big difference between trying and slipping up, and ignoring or refusing to use a person’s pronouns.
I still misgender myself all the time. It’s frustrating but also demonstrates that the closer you are and longer you’ve known someone as a certain gender or name, the tougher it is to adapt (and it is going to take a lot of practice).
Words are not just sounds coming out of our mouths – they identify connections and meanings about the world, ourselves and others. The long and kinda boring story (sorry researchers!) is that on a neuro-biological level, our brains require us to consistently and deliberately repeat new pronouns and names before it re-wires itself to connect “Amanda” to “they/them” pronouns.
Even if loved ones are supportive, the science proves they are going to mess up our pronouns! So, let’s ask ourselves:
Are they trying but stumbling over their words?
Do they apologise when they mess up?
Are there barriers that may make re-wiring their brains a little more difficult (i.e. cognitive or learning difficulties, dementia, etc.)?
Are they being supportive of your gender diversity in other ways?
If you answered yes to these questions, the situation probably requires patience, but how do we find the energy and emotional capacity to practice patience? Try identifying your existing coping strategies by asking:
When do I feel most calm or happy? Who am I with, what am I doing?
When was the last time I was sad, had a panic attack or lost my temper? What did I do to sooth myself?
Example: I feel most joyful when I cook for my best friend, and feel calm when I knit. Last time I had an anxiety attack, I felt overheated so I splashed cold water on my face and took my sweatshirt off.
Coping Strategy/Plan: Set up a dinner date with my bestie, buy some new yarn and knit while at my parent’s place, take a few minutes to lower my body temp before family gatherings and always have ice water to drink within reach.
…but what if it is intentional and my loved one refuses to use my pronouns?
We are all hardwired to seek approval and acceptance, especially from our families. In situations when loved ones ignore or refuse to use pronouns, clients often experience an exhausting cycle of conflict, pleading for their family’s acceptance, over-explaining and justifying their gender identity, and feeling responsible for soothing the people who are causing harm and distress.
The black and white answer may be “CUT THEM OFF!”. But again, this approach does not acknowledge the grey – you may still love them, do not want to lose them, or you rely on their support (like childcare, health insurance or tuition payments).
Instead of asking “How can I get them to change”, ask yourself:
How can I find peace in knowing I cannot change their behavior? What are the costs of holding onto hope that my loved one will change?
Who validates my identity and boosts my self worth? Can I seek acceptance from someone other than my loved ones?
Can I redirect the energy spent on seeking their approval toward relationships and passions that nurture my gender identity, mind and body?
Can I set quiet personal boundaries? (This could look like gradually spending less time with them, or distancing yourself in other ways, like trading childcare with a friend or seeking bursaries to help with tuition).
These are really big and complex questions that can be difficult to explore without support. If you are struggling, please consider booking a free video consultation with me to explore how to find peace and self-acceptance regarding your gender identity and sexuality. I offer virtual counselling in Langley, Surrey and throughout BC and have immediate availability. You can contact us here.
Reference:
Johnson, E. D., & Arnold, J. E. (2023). The frequency of referential patterns guides pronoun comprehension. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition, 49(8), 1325–1344. https://doi.org/10.1037/xlm0001137
