Why We Love Relational Life Therapy for Couples

If you have been in an intimate relationship for more than six months, you know that relationships are work. Some take more work than others, but this is not a passive kind of relationship, or one that doesn’t require effort and understanding. 

And then when you have been together for a couple of years, you start to recognize the patterns in your conflict. When I say this, then they’ll say this, and I’ll respond this way, and then this is what happens next. You can almost predict it. 

For example, you start a conversation about the fact that your partner didn’t put their dishes in the dishwasher.  Again.  You know that when you ask them to do it, they’re going to point out all the other things they do around the house, or that they’ve put them in every other day this week.  You will then start tallying who’s doing what, and the argument turns into how you’re failing each other and how you wish you had more date nights. 

You probably don’t want to keep repeating the same cycle, because it’s pulling you apart rather than drawing you together.

But how are you supposed to do that? When you’re in the middle of conflict, it’s so hard to step out of it. 

What a Trauma-Informed Approach Actually Means

That’s where couples therapy can be really helpful. A good couples therapist will help you stop your cycle, give you the tools to have better communication and conflict, and remember why you love each other and are together.

One of the things that I found was missing in the training I had was a trauma-informed perspective. I finally found that when I found Relational Life Therapy (RLT) that was started by Terry Real. So I wanted to share a bit of insight into why this matters to me, as a therapist, and how I think it can make a difference in your marriage/long-term relationship.

Coming to couples therapy with a trauma-informed perspective means that your therapist is curious about how the past is informing your present. It doesn’t mean really awful things have to have happened to you (although difficult experiences do affect how you show up). It may just be…this is how my parents fought (or didn’t), and that’s how I learned how to fight. How do we make fights ours?  Not that we particularly LIKE fighting with each other, but how can we be present and attuned to what’s going on right here, between us, rather than repeating the patterns that our parents instilled in us…and truly aren’t working for your relationship.

Redefining What 'Success' Looks Like in a Fight

So that leads me to one of the things that I learned from RLT is that we can define what “success” looks like in a couple’s fight/conflict/arguments.

In a recent training, Terry makes the point that you don't need both of you to be regulated or calm in order to call something a win. If one partner gets triggered and the other can stay in their "wise adult" instead of matching the reaction, that's what he calls relational integrity, and it's a great day for your relationship. This means that you’re not failing because one of you still gets activated, you’re succeeding because the other one didn't take the bait and is able to help you see a different perspective or call a time out to help you both, or be caring for you and where you’re at.

Healing Together, Not Just Alone

One of the things that’s different about RLT couples therapy is that we also have you do trauma work in front of each other. On purpose. If your spouse or partner is supposed to be your safest person, your best friend, then processing a traumatic event or experience in front of them helps them get to know you better, and also know how to help you when you get flooded in your different interactions with each other. Your partner now understands where your most tender spots come from, so when conflict starts, they can say "I triggered the thing with your mom" instead of just reacting. As we work together, I’m not just treating your individual wound, I’m using presence with each other as part of the healing process. For both you and your relationship. It’s a beautiful thing to have this witnessed by someone in your life, and to have that honoured moving forward in a way that you feel seen and known.

Why Insight Alone Isn't Enough

One of the things that’s also important is that couples therapy is experiential, not just a therapist’s insight and recommendations of things to try at home. Which…I will say…those things to try at home are definitely important and part of what I do. And when we are in the moment, and experiencing each other and working together on your relationship, your get real life examples of what is working or not working in your relationship, experience the emotion together, and then have practical steps on how to move away from that. 

For example, Terry Real shares an example of a client who exhibited one of his parent’s cruel behaviours in their relationship. Terry had him get an actual photo of her and make an out-loud commitment ("acting like you is more important to me than my wife is") before he was allowed to rage at his wife. It was a concrete, almost ritual-like intervention in the moment, (and Terry noted that it held for 17 years in their marriage). This aspect illustrates the RLT belief that lasting change comes from your adult self actively stepping in to lead the wounded or adaptive part, not just talking about the pattern. 

Questions to Sit With

If you recognize your own relationship in any of this blog, here are two or three questions that you can sit with yourself or create a conversation with your partner:

• Do I know our conflict cycle?

• Where do I see my past showing up for me in that?

• Do I know what triggers me back into it?

• How do I wish we did communication or connection differently in our marriage?

If you’re looking for this type of couples work, where you can make practical, long-term change in your relationship by understanding how your past is showing up, reach out to us and book a consultation today. We offer in person and virtual therapy out of our office in Surrey, BC